Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Feelin' It....

When I started this blog, I made a committment to myself to be real...to really share the ups and downs of this single life that I am in, in hopes that in some way it will help or encourage others.  I have to say that the happy upbeat messages are the easiest.  The ones where I am struggling are not so easy.  My history or track record is that when things get painful emotionally, I shut 'em down.  I turn all of my emotion off...I am very skilled at this, as I have had quite a bit of practice throughout my lifetime.  But, when I got divorced, I started counseling.  At that time, I truly felt nothing.  My counselor, Char, pushed me to open up.  She kept pushing until I did.  One thing sticks out to me in particular...she was talking to me one day and asked why I would not let myself feel anything--why I would not allow myself to cry.  I told her that I was afraid that if I let it out...if I started crying, that I would never be able to stop.  I told her that I felt like humpty dumpty and that if I let it all out I would be broken to pieces and there would be nobody around to help me put it all back together again.  It was a true feeling and I felt completely alone.  I was scared to death.  I finally did open up and I did let it all out, and it ended up being ok...since that time, I have tried to be real.  I have tried to allow myself to feel emotions, even if they are painful.  But, there are times like now where my instinct tells me to stuff it...bottle it up....put it away....and make my heart safe.  I am not going to do that this time.  
So, here is the thing....several months ago I met a guy.  Actually, I met a couple of guys, but one stood out...I wrote about him before.  Well, I spent alot of time with this guy and...well, I developed strong feelings for him.  I think I actually started to love him....but those feelings were not returned.  It seemed like there were feelings on his part, but maybe I was just reading into things.  Anyway, after several months of hanging out together, sharing experiences, and introducing our kids, I felt like I did not want him to date other people.  He did not feel the same.  It has really confused me.  The thing is that we spent hours and hours together.  We talked about everything and I mean everything.  We have had several evenings where we have talked for 5,6, 7 up to 10 hours.  You just don't find that every day...But, somehow he did not feel the same...So, now we are done--moving on.  It hurts.  It hurts bad!  I have cried more in this last couple of weeks than I can remember in the past few years!  I am fine when I am busy, but when I stop and have a moment alone, I lose it.  I hate feeling this way and my instinct is to stuff it, hide it, run from it....but I am not.  I am trying to just feel it and work through it.  My instinct is to not date at all and not take the risk of getting hurt.  But, I am not going to do that either.  I truly still believe I will be fine if I am alone forever, or I will be fine if someone comes along to walk beside me.    So, hopefully, this crying stuff passes soon.  Anyway, I guess that is enough sharing for today.  :)

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