Friday, April 26, 2013


I am going to attempt to write this post without hurting anyone's is going to be tricky, because there is alot of pain in my past....but I think it needs to be here goes...I grew up in a home that was broken.  When I was very little, my parents fought all the time and our home was loud and scary alot.  Then my parents divorced.  They hated each other and honestly to this day, they kind of still do.  Even after the divorce, home was hard.  There was still alot of yelling and fighting and well, just bad stuff.  I say this because it is the truth....but I will also say that I now believe that my parents did the best that they could at the time.  I think they both had a lot of pain in their past and that they struggled.  I think they have both grown over time and I love them.  I do not have any bitterness or anger toward them and I realize that sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes and that unfortunately sometimes kids have to suffer through that.  I will also say that I think God was with us through that whole time and took care of me in other ways and that he used all of that experience to shape and mold me.  OK, so here we go.  Growing up I never felt good enough.  I felt like it did not matter what I did or how good I was....It was never enough.   I felt like a failure and a mess.  I felt like no one really wanted me to be me and that I needed to be a perfect little peacekeeper.  Every report card I ever got said that I talked too much and did not work up to my full potential.  I have been used by guys, betrayed by friends, lost jobs for no fault of my own, failed at marriage....Anyway, the bottom line is that I have always felt like everyone would leave me one it would just take me saying or doing one wrong thing and things would end.  I have felt like it did not matter what I did, how good or kind I was that it just would not matter.  I have felt like I am too high maintainence or stupid or unloveable or difficult.  I have felt like if people really knew me...all of me.....that they would not like me.  That was my past....but recently things have been happening that blow my mind.  It seems wierd....not real, awesome, but not real....People are listening to me.  They are wanting to hear what I have to say.  They are wanting to share my story.  They are telling me that I inspire them to do things.  This change has taken place over several years.   I guess I do feel different.  God has been molding and shaping me over time.  He has seen me through trials and has turned me upside down to shape me.  I so want to be the kind of person that inspires others....that encourages others, that God can use to change lives.  I want to be that person.  To some extent, I guess I am becoming that person, but it often catches me off guard.  It surprises me.  It is a nice and wonderful feeling, but I still feel somewhat undeserving and quite flawed.....I will also say that I feel loved.   I have the most amazing friends in the world.  And my church has been my home for several years.  I have leaned into God and even when things have gotten hard, I have trusted God.  This last year and a half has been one of the most difficult times in my life.  Everything has been turned upside down.  The plans I have made have failed.  And my faith has been tested.  I have tried to really depend on God and my faith during these trials.  He has never wavered or failed.  He has provided for every need.  I have wept to him and yelled at him and laughed at / with him.  I have relied on scripture when nothing else made any sense.  And he has been faithful to me.  He is using me in ways I never imagined and it is just the coolest thing ever.  I am certain that my trials are not over and that my faith will continue to be tested.  I hope that I am able to continue to touch lives and that God is able to do his work through me.  I hope that I truly am inspiration to others and that they are drawn closer to God by what they see in me.  Anyway, I am not sure that I said everything here in the exact way that I wanted to....but hopefully it helps someone or speaks to someone that needed to hear it.  I spoke in front of the church a couple of years ago and said that the plans the world has for us....the story the world has for us is not God's plan for us or God's story for us....and that is so very true.  So, hear this....God's plan for you is not the plan the world tells you....Your story isn't what the world says....God has wonderful plans for you and he can take any brokenness...any ugliness and turn it into something beautiful and amazing!  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."  Trust that, believe that....because it is so true!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Feelin' It....

When I started this blog, I made a committment to myself to be really share the ups and downs of this single life that I am in, in hopes that in some way it will help or encourage others.  I have to say that the happy upbeat messages are the easiest.  The ones where I am struggling are not so easy.  My history or track record is that when things get painful emotionally, I shut 'em down.  I turn all of my emotion off...I am very skilled at this, as I have had quite a bit of practice throughout my lifetime.  But, when I got divorced, I started counseling.  At that time, I truly felt nothing.  My counselor, Char, pushed me to open up.  She kept pushing until I did.  One thing sticks out to me in particular...she was talking to me one day and asked why I would not let myself feel anything--why I would not allow myself to cry.  I told her that I was afraid that if I let it out...if I started crying, that I would never be able to stop.  I told her that I felt like humpty dumpty and that if I let it all out I would be broken to pieces and there would be nobody around to help me put it all back together again.  It was a true feeling and I felt completely alone.  I was scared to death.  I finally did open up and I did let it all out, and it ended up being ok...since that time, I have tried to be real.  I have tried to allow myself to feel emotions, even if they are painful.  But, there are times like now where my instinct tells me to stuff it...bottle it up....put it away....and make my heart safe.  I am not going to do that this time.  
So, here is the thing....several months ago I met a guy.  Actually, I met a couple of guys, but one stood out...I wrote about him before.  Well, I spent alot of time with this guy and...well, I developed strong feelings for him.  I think I actually started to love him....but those feelings were not returned.  It seemed like there were feelings on his part, but maybe I was just reading into things.  Anyway, after several months of hanging out together, sharing experiences, and introducing our kids, I felt like I did not want him to date other people.  He did not feel the same.  It has really confused me.  The thing is that we spent hours and hours together.  We talked about everything and I mean everything.  We have had several evenings where we have talked for 5,6, 7 up to 10 hours.  You just don't find that every day...But, somehow he did not feel the same...So, now we are done--moving on.  It hurts.  It hurts bad!  I have cried more in this last couple of weeks than I can remember in the past few years!  I am fine when I am busy, but when I stop and have a moment alone, I lose it.  I hate feeling this way and my instinct is to stuff it, hide it, run from it....but I am not.  I am trying to just feel it and work through it.  My instinct is to not date at all and not take the risk of getting hurt.  But, I am not going to do that either.  I truly still believe I will be fine if I am alone forever, or I will be fine if someone comes along to walk beside me.    So, hopefully, this crying stuff passes soon.  Anyway, I guess that is enough sharing for today.  :)