Keeping it Real....

Today's post is going to be more real than usual....meaning stuff I don't really say out loud usually...Here is the thing, I have grown so much over the years, particularly in the last 5 years.  I am happy.  I have a great life.  I have wonderful friends and amazing kids.  I am able to help lots of people.  I am so thankful for all of that.  I typically project this image that I have it mostly together...and for the most part, I do.  I just sometimes have these moments (and they really mostly are just moments) where I wonder if I am still broken inside.  I guess maybe we are all broken inside to some extent....I feel like I have lots of friends, am well liked, and worthy of being loved....I really do believe that.  But, I also have this part of me that always wonders when the other shoe is going to drop.  I have this nagging feeling that everyone could leave / turn on me at some point--like if I mess up and do that ONE thing they will leave and I will be all alone.  I sometimes even FEEL that way with God.  I KNOW that is not true in my head.  And he has shown me over and over that it is not true...But, it is still in there....I don't want it to be, but it is.  I hate that part of me.  I want that Chelle to go away never to return, but somehow all it takes is one betrayal, one person's rejection, or one wrong word.  It is so frustrating to go backwards.  I get to a point where I feel like things are going well...I am strong, etc.  but then one wrong word, one rejection, and I am right back to the beginning.  So, where is this coming from?  The truth is that I found a guy that I liked.  I started off good and slow and then opened my heart and dropped my guard.  I did not use my best judgement and I got disappointed.  I have said that someone can only hurt you if you let them...and it is true....But, I let him.  It is crazy how one small hurt happens, but instead of feeling just that one hurt, you feel all of the previous hurts over again.  Anyway, tomorrow is a new day.  I will focus on the one who will never let me down and that will be sufficient.

Jason Gray--Remind Me