Why doesn't she just leave him???

I saw a post on Facebook today about the recent football player / wife story....it talked about Tweets from people saying why they couldn't / didn't leave their abusive spouses.  It sparked something in me...I feel like I am someone who came out on the other side of this issue...and I want to share some thoughts....

So, when I was 20 I got married.  Honestly, now I am not sure why I did it...I really wanted to be married and be a mom and have a "normal family"....I thought I loved him.  I don't know, anyway...I did it--I got married.  We were not together very long before things started to change.  The abuse did not happen overnight though.  First, it was little things like I did something wrong, I was dumb about certain things, I wasn't "cultured", he just slowly made me feel stupid.  It was very gradual, but over time I questioned my intelligence, I doubted my worth, I took blame for things that were not really mine.  Then he started getting angry and breaking things or throwing things or hitting things...not me, but things.  I found myself trying not to make him mad...trying to do the right thing, trying to calm him down and then apologizing for making him upset.  By this time, he had me convinced that I could not make it without him...that I would fail at whatever I tried...that I needed him.  I knew that I had made a horrible mistake by this time, but I felt like it was my own fault and that I needed to just deal with it.  I believed that marriage was for life and that I needed to make it work--whatever the cost.  And--I believed that somehow I could fix things so they would not be like this forever--they would get better.  He finally escalated to hitting me after about a year and a half of being married.   He eventually started punching me in the arms and then in the face.  By this time, I knew that he was crazy and that there was no telling what he was capable of.  I thought about leaving, but I was terrified about what he would do.  You see, when you are with someone like this--there are bad times, but there are also good times.  They claim to love you and they often try to make up for what they have done...but when you leave them, they just do the bad stuff and there is no remorse because they want to punish you.  One day he went completely crazy and started screaming and smashing everything in the house...he flipped the furniture, threw everything in his reach, smashed holes in the wall, and smashed the chandelier. That was when it clicked for me...I hid behind a chair waiting for him to get to me.  He didn't, but I honestly was afraid that he was going to seriously harm or even kill me that day.  I remember crying to my friend and saying I didn't know what to do. When I finally did leave, he really got worse.  He stole my car and left me stranded at work.  He chose a day that we had meetings off site--so I was stranded at a strange location.  Then he kept breaking into my house and doing things to make me think I was crazy...like moving things around and changing my alarm clock from am to pm.  He stole my journals and copied them.  He mailed them to my boss and my friends and my pastor.  He poisoned two of my pets and killed them.  And while he was doing all of this...he wrote me love letters saying how much he missed me and how he wanted to grow old with me.  I had a restraining order--but I could not prove it was him and I had no idea where he was because he was hiding.  I really felt like I was crazy and sometimes I thought about going back just to make him stop.  I finally ended up quitting my job, getting a different car, using a different last name, and moving to a really small town several counties away with a PO Box in a different city.  That was the only way he finally stopped.  He did finally stop and I have not seen or heard from him since--that was 1994.  I looked over my shoulder for years terrified that he would find me.  I still don't know what I would do if I bumped into him somewhere...Thankfully I never had children with him.  I cannot even imagine what that would have been like.  

It is so easy to judge men and women who are abused or mistreated by someone they are in a relationship with....We think "why don't they just leave".  It just isn't that easy sometimes.  It takes a lot of courage to leave an abuser.  And it takes a feeling of self worth that many victims don't have.  Often, people that are in an abusive relationship were abused as children--that lifestyle is all they know.  I believe they want something different but don't know it is possible or even know where to begin.  

I am so fortunate that I got out.  I am so happy that my kids don't have to live through that life.  I watched the face of the football player's now wife....if you look you can see the pain.  She was probably made to do that conference.  She did not want to be there.  She probably doesn't feel like she has options.  I don't know...but before we judge, how about we show some compassion.  How about praying for her and for him.  How about we not add to her shame and embarrassment?  

Chances are that you know someone who is being abused and maybe you are even frustrated with them because they won't leave....How can you help them???

1.  Don't judge them....they will leave when they are ready.  It takes something clicking in their mind and until that happens...they won't leave--can't leave.
2.  Help them build their self worth...encourage them...point out their strengths...help them find things they are good at.
3.  Share God with them....teach them to pray and learn about Jesus who is crazy for them...who thinks they are amazing and smart and funny.
4.  Help them come up with an action plan...have them put important documents in a safe location where they can get to them...insurance papers, bank accounts, birth certificates, marriage license, titles to homes and cars.
5.  Help them set up a PO Box so they can get mail somewhere other than home.
6.  Help them set up a bank account in their own name or maybe even in your name so their spouse cannot get to it.
7.  Help them find a safe place to go...
8.  Help them get things in order to file a restraining order when the time comes.

The biggest thing is to build their self worth so they feel they deserve better and then help them make a plan so they can break free.  People can totally break free and heal and have a healthy life, but they have to believe it first.  Instead of judging and getting frustrated with them...be patient and be that calm voice of reason that says "you deserve better and you can do this".  

Forgiveness

Forgiveness....I have struggled with this over the years....Holding grudges, playing the victim card, feeling bitter.  I have prayed and worked for hours, weeks, years to forgive wrongs that have been done in the past.  I am struggling with it once again.  Forgiveness...In the past, I have said that you can forgive someone, but that does not mean you have to let them have a big part in your life or that you have to be chummy with them...But, now...I don't know... Does that philosophy align with God's standards?  I want it to be, because I guess really I don't want to let this person back into my life enough to hurt me again.  I don't want to trust them.  I don't want things like they used to be because frankly i got hurt in a huge way.  But, when I think about God and how he forgives...it isn't at arms length....when he forgives me, he does it in a close personal way.  He forgives all the way and is a God of second chances.  He forgives me when I mess up on purpose or not.  

• Psalm 25:11 (NIRV)

  Lord, be true to your name. Forgive my sin, even though it is great.

• Proverbs 10:12 (NIRV)

  Hate stirs up fights. But love erases all sins by forgiving them.

• Proverbs 17:9 (NIRV)

  Those who erase a sin by forgiving it show love. But those who talk about it come between close friends.

• Proverbs 19:11 (NIRV)

  A man's wisdom makes him patient. He will be honored if he forgives someone who sins against him.

• • Exodus 34:7 (NIRV)

    I continue to show my love to thousands of people. I forgive those who do evil. I forgive those who refuse to obey. And I forgive those who sin. But I do not let guilty people go without punishing them. I punish the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren for the sin of their parents."

  • Genesis 50:17 (NIRV)

    He said, 'Here's what you must say to Joseph. Tell him, "I'm asking you to forgive your brothers. Forgive the terrible things they did to you. Forgive them for treating you so badly." ' Now then, please forgive our sins. We serve the God of your father." When their message came to Joseph, he sobbed.

  • Deuteronomy 15:1 (NIRV)

    At the end of every seven years you must forgive people what they owe you.

  • • Matthew 6:14 (NIRV)

      "Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you.

    • Mark 11:25 (NIRV)

      And when you stand praying, forgive anyone you have anything against. Then your Father in heaven will forgive your sins." The Authority of Jesus Is Questioned

    • Luke 11:4 (NIRV)

      Forgive us our sins, as we also forgive everyone who sins against us. Keep us from falling into sin when we are tempted.' "

    • Colossians 3:13 (NIRV)

      Put up with each other. Forgive the things you are holding against one another. Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you.

    • • Psalm 86:5 (NIRV)

        Lord, you are good. You are forgiving. You are full of love for all who call out to you.

      • Matthew 26:28 (NIRV)

        This is my blood of the new covenant. It is poured out to forgive the sins of many.

      • 2 Corinthians 2:7 (NIRV)

        Now you should forgive him and comfort him. Then he won't be sad more than he can stand.

      • Numbers 14:19 (NIRV)

        "Lord, your love is great. So forgive the sin of these people. Forgive them just as you have done from the time they left Egypt until now."

      • Psalm 130:4 (NIRV)

        But you forgive. So people have respect for you.

      • Matthew 6:15 (NIRV)

        But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Fasting

      • John 20:23 (NIRV)

        If you forgive anyone's sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven." Jesus Appears to Thomas

      • 2 Corinthians 2:10 (NIRV)

        Anyone you forgive I also forgive. Was there anything to forgive? If so, I have forgiven it for your benefit, knowing that Christ is watching.
      • I am going to have to keep working on this....I think I am supposed to forgive all the way and embrace this person....I am not sure at all how to do this...but maybe in time my human heart will be able to fully do this...What about you...Who do you need to work on forgiving?  Have you been able to fully forgive those who have hurt you and what does that look like?  

I'm Only Human

Human by Katy Perry  (click here to hear the song)

One of my friends posted a song on Facebook earlier....Human by Katy Perry....I really like that song.  It got me thinking about this whole thing called love and life.  As a single gal, it is proper to say that you are not "looking" for a husband.  If you are looking for one....it makes you desperate and it scares people.  As a single girl, we are supposed to be strong, independent, I can do anything girls.  It is not good to show weakness or complain too much about how things are.  And, seriously--you never admit that you are looking for a husband....Well, guess what...that is just kind of not realistic.   Don't get me wrong--I do not think that every single girl is looking for a husband, but guess what--if they are...it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I can really only speak for myself, but I know a lot of single women and from what I can tell, many of us feel the same and struggle with the same things.  If I am really REALLY honest, yes I would like to have a husband.   And, at the same time--the thought of having one terrifies me.  I am staring down the barrel of an empty nest and it does kind of scare me sometimes.  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  Do I have a full and rich life--yes I do.  Do I have tons of friends?  Yes, I do. But, there have been years--literally YEARS where I have not been touched, held, or kissed.  YEARS...There are studies that show what that does to babies--they can die from it.  It is no picnic as an adult either.  I have done my share of dating too...and to be honest, sometimes that is even less fun than being alone.  Here is what I know....I am only human.  I do the best I can most of the time.  I want to be loved and desired.  I would like to someday find a man who thinks I am the best thing that he ever stumbled upon.  Someone who would fight to have me in their life and would fly to the moon and back to be with me.  That is a tall order...I seriously do not expect perfection...but I do expect some serious effort.   My nature is to be a fixer and a planner.  But, I have learned that I don't want a fixer upper....and I have learned that although when you are married you should stick with your spouse through hell or high water....that when you are dating you should listen to those red flags.  If you see someone that treats you great, but treats other people impatiently or with disrespect...guess what will happen eventually...You will be on the receiving end of that.  If someone is constantly making negative comments about people...eventually they will do that about you.  Dating is the job interview.  When you are hiring for a job, you do not expect the perfect person, but if you see major red flags or character flaws you are not going to hire that person.  If you are hiring a sales person--you don't pick the guy who is so shy they cannot even introduce themselves.  If you are hiring a nanny--you don't pick the one who cannot stand children...Why is it different when we are dating?  I think being really honest and saying "this is not gonna work" is actually the kindest thing you can do if you find yourself in that situation.  I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to end up in another bad  relationship.  Guess I am done rambling for now--that is why this blog is called Random Thoughts of a Single Mom...sometimes they are pretty random!  

We've Been Duped!

This morning I made blueberry muffins from scratch.  They were amazing!  And honestly, they did not take any more time to make than if I had used a mix.  We have gotten so used to using boxes of mix to make food items, that we have come to think that it is the only way to cook.  It has been long enough that most of us don't even know how to make things from scratch.  Real food is cheaper, it tastes better, and it is so much healthier!  So how do we get back to cooking?  We need to try some real recipes and cook from scratch.  We need to teach our kids to do it.  I thought I would post links here to some "from scratch" recipes that I like to use.  Give it a whirl and let me know what you think!

Blueberry Muffins--Tip, use frozen blueberries and roll them in flour before adding them to the batter.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/To-Die-For-Blueberry-Muffins/Detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Thumb&e11=blueberry%20muffins&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page


Pancakes--I added a little bit of vanilla.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Fluffy-Pancakes-2/Detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Thumb&e11=pancakes&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Recipe

Brownies--
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Best-Brownies/Detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Thumb&e11=brownies&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Recipe

Once A Month Cooking--Christmas Cookie Style

My food posts are always the most popular!  A couple of weeks ago my cooking gals got together and made TONS of cookies and candies.  We each paid about $20 and we took home loads...So here you will find the grocery list, the recipes, and pictures.  

Grocery List:

Baking Supplies

Beverages

Cereals

Dairy, Eggs and Milk

Herbs and Spices

Snacks and Sweets

We added melting chocolate aka almond bark in both milk chocolate and white chocolate and pretzels to our list.

Recipes:

Buckeyes   http://allrecipes.com/recipe/buckeyes-i/detail.aspx

Sugar Cookies  http://allrecipes.com/recipe/the-best-rolled-sugar-cookies/detail.aspx
Oatmeal Scotchies   http://allrecipes.com/recipe/oatmeal-butterscotch-cookies/detail.aspx
Peanut Butter Fudge  http://allrecipes.com/recipe/easiest-peanut-butter-fudge/detail.aspx

Peppermint Bark    I change this to use the melting chocolate (white) instead of the chocolate chips....  http://allrecipes.com/recipe/holiday-peppermint-bark/detail.aspx

Chocolate Chip Cookies   http://allrecipes.com/recipe/original-nestle-toll-house-chocolate-chip-cookies/detail.aspx

Toffee  http://allrecipes.com/recipe/best-toffee-ever---super-easy/detail.aspx
Glazed Pecans   http://allrecipes.com/recipe/texas-glazed-pecans/detail.aspx

Chocolate Covered Pretzels  Melting chocolate, dip pretzels in and then sprinkle with peppermint or sprinkles

Let me know how your cookies turn out!  

Tonight I went to Prison...

Well, tonight I entered a place that I never thought I would go.  PRISON.  Yep, you read that right.  I went in, took off my shoes, jacket, jewelry, etc.  I emptied my pockets and got waved over with a wand, patted down, and then went through the metal detecting machine.  And then, I got locked inside the big wire fence.  You are probably wondering why I would do this....I did not commit a crime.  I did this voluntarily...so why...why...why would I go to prison.  Well, for my son.  My son did something really stupid this summer and landed himself in trouble.  One of the consequences of this trouble was that we had to attend a program called "From the horse's mouth."  It is a program where the kids who are in trouble and their parents go to a prison.  There are inmates there who talk to the kids.  They share their story and they make the kids tell them why they are there.  On the night we went, our two inmates were both convicted of murder.  My son sat next to one of them who had been in prison for 20 years.  I cannot tell you how hard it was to be there as a mom.  Who would ever imagine a scenario where a mother would voluntarily sit her child next to a murderer?  Well, I would do it again in a minute.  The man who spoke to the kids killed someone when he was fifteen--just two years older than Alex and exactly the age of Emma.  He had been in and out of juvenile detention many times.  He was convicted as an adult at 15 and put in the harshest prison in the state.  He described what that was like and showed the kids pictures of what the prison really looks like inside and all sorts of injuries--bites, stab wounds, cuts, beat up faces, etc.  I was impressed with this guy.  He was articulate and he didn't really sugar coat it.  But, during his time in prison, he has gotten his GED, an associates degree, and a bachelor's degree.   He has about 7 years left.  The other man, who also murdered someone, didn't have as much to say.  He did really tell the kids that prison was not somewhere they wanted to be.  Anyway, it was actually a really good program.  It was very intimidating for me as an adult and probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also very interesting and thought provoking.  Currently, most kids that are on probation of involved with probation or court in Putnam County and Brazil.  They just started offering this for parents to take their kids on their own without it being required by court.  I highly recommend this program.  If you are a parent and your kid is giving you trouble or is getting out of control, this is a great wake up call.  If you don't live in Indiana, I would bet that there is a program like this somewhere near you.  You could call the local probation department or prison or State Police to find out more.  If you are in Indy and you want more info, send me a note and I will get you the info.

Patience of Job? Maybe not....

So, recently I have been reading and thinking about Job.  You know, the guy in the Bible.  He is the one who God said would remain faithful no matter what Satan did to him.  God let Satan take everything from Job...his money, his family, his reputation, everything.  Satan wanted him to curse God, but Job did not.  So people talk about having the patience of Job...putting the credit on Job...But, I think I have a different take on the whole situation.  Now, when we hear / read the story it tells how Job lost everything.  And it talks about how Job remained faithful to God.  And it talks about how Job got rewarded greatly for his faithfulness later in his life.  But, here's the thing.  I don't think it was Job...I mean, kind of it was...but really I think it was God.  I think God had made himself known to Job....REAL to Job.  I think God had spent time with Job and let him see who he really is.  And, the thing is that no matter what Satan took from Job or did to Job, he could not take that "realness" from him.  Maybe Satan himself did not even realize that.  So, then the next question comes---does God reveal himself to us today?  Does he show US his "realness"?  I believe that he does...but I also believe that many of us just miss it somehow....I am not sure why that is--if it is us or him.  I know that for me personally God has made himself very real.  I have seen miracles--not just one, but multiple times.  I have heard his voice--not actually a voice, but more like a thought in my head that is somehow different but very clear.  That has happened several times and each time it has been very clear, but very unusual.  Which leads me to my next thought....a few people have mentioned Job to me in recent months because of the various trials that I have been through.  They (trials) have come in waves and seem to be relentless.  I can kind of relate to Job....I get angry at times and weepy at times.  Other times I feel confused or scared.  But, through all of this stuff...I am not sure I have ever felt closer to God....It is difficult to explain or understand, but there is no doubt in my mind that he is real or that he is present.   There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and my family.  I can feel his presence in the middle of all this and am often reminded of his blessings and care of me even during the drama.  I have no doubt that these troubles will end and I know that somehow all of this makes sense in his plan.  I know that he has good plans for me and for everyone who believes.  So, going back to Job....I am guessing he felt the same way.  But, I bet if you asked him what he thought of people saying they have the "patience of Job" he would say that they are putting too much emphasis and faith in him and not enough in God.  I bet he would say that God was so real to him that he never doubted him and that he knew somehow it would all make sense someday.  So, where are you in this walk?  Are you noticing all of the signs God is leaving for you?  Are you giving him the time and attention to let him reveal himself to you?  Are you open to the idea that he is real and is a God who absolutely adores you?  Ask him to open your eyes and mind to his presence.  I have no doubt that he will reveal himself to you and become so real that nothing can make you ever doubt his presence and love for you.