Tonight I went to Prison...

Well, tonight I entered a place that I never thought I would go.  PRISON.  Yep, you read that right.  I went in, took off my shoes, jacket, jewelry, etc.  I emptied my pockets and got waved over with a wand, patted down, and then went through the metal detecting machine.  And then, I got locked inside the big wire fence.  You are probably wondering why I would do this....I did not commit a crime.  I did this voluntarily...so why...why...why would I go to prison.  Well, for my son.  My son did something really stupid this summer and landed himself in trouble.  One of the consequences of this trouble was that we had to attend a program called "From the horse's mouth."  It is a program where the kids who are in trouble and their parents go to a prison.  There are inmates there who talk to the kids.  They share their story and they make the kids tell them why they are there.  On the night we went, our two inmates were both convicted of murder.  My son sat next to one of them who had been in prison for 20 years.  I cannot tell you how hard it was to be there as a mom.  Who would ever imagine a scenario where a mother would voluntarily sit her child next to a murderer?  Well, I would do it again in a minute.  The man who spoke to the kids killed someone when he was fifteen--just two years older than Alex and exactly the age of Emma.  He had been in and out of juvenile detention many times.  He was convicted as an adult at 15 and put in the harshest prison in the state.  He described what that was like and showed the kids pictures of what the prison really looks like inside and all sorts of injuries--bites, stab wounds, cuts, beat up faces, etc.  I was impressed with this guy.  He was articulate and he didn't really sugar coat it.  But, during his time in prison, he has gotten his GED, an associates degree, and a bachelor's degree.   He has about 7 years left.  The other man, who also murdered someone, didn't have as much to say.  He did really tell the kids that prison was not somewhere they wanted to be.  Anyway, it was actually a really good program.  It was very intimidating for me as an adult and probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also very interesting and thought provoking.  Currently, most kids that are on probation of involved with probation or court in Putnam County and Brazil.  They just started offering this for parents to take their kids on their own without it being required by court.  I highly recommend this program.  If you are a parent and your kid is giving you trouble or is getting out of control, this is a great wake up call.  If you don't live in Indiana, I would bet that there is a program like this somewhere near you.  You could call the local probation department or prison or State Police to find out more.  If you are in Indy and you want more info, send me a note and I will get you the info.

Patience of Job? Maybe not....

So, recently I have been reading and thinking about Job.  You know, the guy in the Bible.  He is the one who God said would remain faithful no matter what Satan did to him.  God let Satan take everything from Job...his money, his family, his reputation, everything.  Satan wanted him to curse God, but Job did not.  So people talk about having the patience of Job...putting the credit on Job...But, I think I have a different take on the whole situation.  Now, when we hear / read the story it tells how Job lost everything.  And it talks about how Job remained faithful to God.  And it talks about how Job got rewarded greatly for his faithfulness later in his life.  But, here's the thing.  I don't think it was Job...I mean, kind of it was...but really I think it was God.  I think God had made himself known to Job....REAL to Job.  I think God had spent time with Job and let him see who he really is.  And, the thing is that no matter what Satan took from Job or did to Job, he could not take that "realness" from him.  Maybe Satan himself did not even realize that.  So, then the next question comes---does God reveal himself to us today?  Does he show US his "realness"?  I believe that he does...but I also believe that many of us just miss it somehow....I am not sure why that is--if it is us or him.  I know that for me personally God has made himself very real.  I have seen miracles--not just one, but multiple times.  I have heard his voice--not actually a voice, but more like a thought in my head that is somehow different but very clear.  That has happened several times and each time it has been very clear, but very unusual.  Which leads me to my next thought....a few people have mentioned Job to me in recent months because of the various trials that I have been through.  They (trials) have come in waves and seem to be relentless.  I can kind of relate to Job....I get angry at times and weepy at times.  Other times I feel confused or scared.  But, through all of this stuff...I am not sure I have ever felt closer to God....It is difficult to explain or understand, but there is no doubt in my mind that he is real or that he is present.   There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and my family.  I can feel his presence in the middle of all this and am often reminded of his blessings and care of me even during the drama.  I have no doubt that these troubles will end and I know that somehow all of this makes sense in his plan.  I know that he has good plans for me and for everyone who believes.  So, going back to Job....I am guessing he felt the same way.  But, I bet if you asked him what he thought of people saying they have the "patience of Job" he would say that they are putting too much emphasis and faith in him and not enough in God.  I bet he would say that God was so real to him that he never doubted him and that he knew somehow it would all make sense someday.  So, where are you in this walk?  Are you noticing all of the signs God is leaving for you?  Are you giving him the time and attention to let him reveal himself to you?  Are you open to the idea that he is real and is a God who absolutely adores you?  Ask him to open your eyes and mind to his presence.  I have no doubt that he will reveal himself to you and become so real that nothing can make you ever doubt his presence and love for you.

Betrayal

Unfortunately, one of the parts of this life is that friends will betray us at times.  Obviously not all, but some.  It has happened to all of us from time to time.  I recently had this happen.  I had a very close friend...we had been best friends for a long time and we both know all of the ins and outs of each others lives.  We have shared very intimate details of our lives with each other.  Well, something happened and she shared some of those things with another person.  It should not have happened and it broke my heart....but it reminds me of a lesson I taught at church camp this past winter.  We should trust God even when people betray us.    That was the title of my lesson and the story was the tale of Judas.  I am guessing most of you know this story, but just in case you don't--here it is.  Judas was one of Jesus' disciples.  He was in Jesus' inner circle of friends and people he trusted.  Judas got jealous and greedy and decided to betray Jesus by handing him over to the Roman guard.  He took a few silver pieces in return for this.  He told the soldiers which one was Jesus by kissing him on the cheek, which was a sign of affection between two very close friends.  This was the ultimate betrayal.  Ultimately, it led to Jesus being crucified on the cross...but it also led to the gift of salvation being made available to all people.  So, here is the thing....Jesus knew that Judas would do this before he chose him to be a disciple....before he was born even.  He knew.  And, still he chose him.  He trusted him.   He shared with him and taught him.  He loved him.  Even though he knew how it would end...he still chose him.  And, Judas realized that he messed up shortly after it happened.  He actually ended up taking his own life.  Now here is the other crazy thing....What Judas should have done was repent and ask for forgiveness....his eternal future probably would have ended up differently.  But, he didn't.  I believe that Jesus would have forgiven him.  I believe Jesus used this betrayal for good.  So, even though it hurts deeply when we are betrayed, it is best to forgive and to love and trust people even though they might hurt us.  I plan to keep living that way.

Life's little detours....

A couple weeks ago I went on a trip and followed the directions given by the gps.  I figured it would get me where I needed to go....so I was driving and the interstate that I was on turned into a regular road and then ended.  The GPS then put me on a long (very long) back country road that weaved around and around in the mountains with multiple one car bridges and little bitty roads.  At one point there were actually port-a-potties along the route and portable stop lights.  It was a little weird at times and seemed like we would be "lost" forever.  But, the GPS did eventually get us where we were going and guided us along the way.  It reminded me of life in a way.  So often, life comes at us and we end up on some path that seems random and does not make sense.  We hit potholes and wander seemingly lost.  We have twists and turns and bumps in the roads.  It is funny to me how we handle these crazy routes.  Some of us freak out and cannot handle it.  Some of us just kind of roll with it.  And, I think most of us are somewhere in the middle.  Which one are you?  I think that I tend to roll with it and know that I will end up where I am supposed to be, but I also grumble and worry a bit along the way.  I also think that I find a way to laugh and find the humor in it.  Maybe this would be an interesting people study....I think eventually I want to be the kind of person who doesn't worry at all and completely trusts God.  I think I am getting closer to that and I think he has really been working on me a lot for the past couple of years.  I feel like maybe I am closer to being that way than I am to not being that way if that makes sense.  I have not really enjoyed the whole process of letting go, but I do think it is important and worthy of doing!

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Reader's Version (NIRV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
    Do not depend on your own understanding.
⁶ In all your ways remember him.
    Then he will make your paths smooth and straight.

Heart of Glass

Walls

You say that I have too many walls
Surrounding this heart of glass
You need to understand that they are there for a reason
Without them I could not be safe
Without them I would be too fragile
But, they are not permanent fixtures
They can come down
You just have to show me that you are safe
And that you won’t smash my heart if given the chance
You will have to take those bricks down one by one
Slowly
Just as they were put up one by one
There is so much in there that I would love to share
But I don’t find too many who are worthy
Or patient enough to find the real me
Will you be the one to carefully remove each brick?
Do you really care what’s in there?
You say, “Yes, of course!”
That is not enough….
Show me

I wrote this in 1986!  Crazy to think how long ago that was...and crazy to think how much this still applies today....

Inspiration....

I am going to attempt to write this post without hurting anyone's feelings....it is going to be tricky, because there is alot of pain in my past....but I think it needs to be said...so here goes...I grew up in a home that was broken.  When I was very little, my parents fought all the time and our home was loud and scary alot.  Then my parents divorced.  They hated each other and honestly to this day, they kind of still do.  Even after the divorce, home was hard.  There was still alot of yelling and fighting and well, just bad stuff.  I say this because it is the truth....but I will also say that I now believe that my parents did the best that they could at the time.  I think they both had a lot of pain in their past and that they struggled.  I think they have both grown over time and I love them.  I do not have any bitterness or anger toward them and I realize that sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes and that unfortunately sometimes kids have to suffer through that.  I will also say that I think God was with us through that whole time and took care of me in other ways and that he used all of that experience to shape and mold me.  OK, so here we go.  Growing up I never felt good enough.  I felt like it did not matter what I did or how good I was....It was never enough.   I felt like a failure and a mess.  I felt like no one really wanted me to be me and that I needed to be a perfect little peacekeeper.  Every report card I ever got said that I talked too much and did not work up to my full potential.  I have been used by guys, betrayed by friends, lost jobs for no fault of my own, failed at marriage....Anyway, the bottom line is that I have always felt like everyone would leave me one day...like it would just take me saying or doing one wrong thing and things would end.  I have felt like it did not matter what I did, how good or kind I was that it just would not matter.  I have felt like I am too high maintainence or stupid or unloveable or difficult.  I have felt like if people really knew me...all of me.....that they would not like me.  That was my past....but recently things have been happening that blow my mind.  It seems wierd....not real, awesome, but not real....People are listening to me.  They are wanting to hear what I have to say.  They are wanting to share my story.  They are telling me that I inspire them to do things.  This change has taken place over several years.   I guess I do feel different.  God has been molding and shaping me over time.  He has seen me through trials and has turned me upside down to shape me.  I so want to be the kind of person that inspires others....that encourages others, that God can use to change lives.  I want to be that person.  To some extent, I guess I am becoming that person, but it often catches me off guard.  It surprises me.  It is a nice and wonderful feeling, but I still feel somewhat undeserving and quite flawed.....I will also say that I feel loved.   I have the most amazing friends in the world.  And my church has been my home for several years.  I have leaned into God and even when things have gotten hard, I have trusted God.  This last year and a half has been one of the most difficult times in my life.  Everything has been turned upside down.  The plans I have made have failed.  And my faith has been tested.  I have tried to really depend on God and my faith during these trials.  He has never wavered or failed.  He has provided for every need.  I have wept to him and yelled at him and laughed at / with him.  I have relied on scripture when nothing else made any sense.  And he has been faithful to me.  He is using me in ways I never imagined and it is just the coolest thing ever.  I am certain that my trials are not over and that my faith will continue to be tested.  I hope that I am able to continue to touch lives and that God is able to do his work through me.  I hope that I truly am inspiration to others and that they are drawn closer to God by what they see in me.  Anyway, I am not sure that I said everything here in the exact way that I wanted to....but hopefully it helps someone or speaks to someone that needed to hear it.  I spoke in front of the church a couple of years ago and said that the plans the world has for us....the story the world has for us is not God's plan for us or God's story for us....and that is so very true.  So, hear this....God's plan for you is not the plan the world tells you....Your story isn't what the world says....God has wonderful plans for you and he can take any brokenness...any ugliness and turn it into something beautiful and amazing!  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."  Trust that, believe that....because it is so true!

Feelin' It....

When I started this blog, I made a committment to myself to be real...to really share the ups and downs of this single life that I am in, in hopes that in some way it will help or encourage others.  I have to say that the happy upbeat messages are the easiest.  The ones where I am struggling are not so easy.  My history or track record is that when things get painful emotionally, I shut 'em down.  I turn all of my emotion off...I am very skilled at this, as I have had quite a bit of practice throughout my lifetime.  But, when I got divorced, I started counseling.  At that time, I truly felt nothing.  My counselor, Char, pushed me to open up.  She kept pushing until I did.  One thing sticks out to me in particular...she was talking to me one day and asked why I would not let myself feel anything--why I would not allow myself to cry.  I told her that I was afraid that if I let it out...if I started crying, that I would never be able to stop.  I told her that I felt like humpty dumpty and that if I let it all out I would be broken to pieces and there would be nobody around to help me put it all back together again.  It was a true feeling and I felt completely alone.  I was scared to death.  I finally did open up and I did let it all out, and it ended up being ok...since that time, I have tried to be real.  I have tried to allow myself to feel emotions, even if they are painful.  But, there are times like now where my instinct tells me to stuff it...bottle it up....put it away....and make my heart safe.  I am not going to do that this time.  
So, here is the thing....several months ago I met a guy.  Actually, I met a couple of guys, but one stood out...I wrote about him before.  Well, I spent alot of time with this guy and...well, I developed strong feelings for him.  I think I actually started to love him....but those feelings were not returned.  It seemed like there were feelings on his part, but maybe I was just reading into things.  Anyway, after several months of hanging out together, sharing experiences, and introducing our kids, I felt like I did not want him to date other people.  He did not feel the same.  It has really confused me.  The thing is that we spent hours and hours together.  We talked about everything and I mean everything.  We have had several evenings where we have talked for 5,6, 7 up to 10 hours.  You just don't find that every day...But, somehow he did not feel the same...So, now we are done--moving on.  It hurts.  It hurts bad!  I have cried more in this last couple of weeks than I can remember in the past few years!  I am fine when I am busy, but when I stop and have a moment alone, I lose it.  I hate feeling this way and my instinct is to stuff it, hide it, run from it....but I am not.  I am trying to just feel it and work through it.  My instinct is to not date at all and not take the risk of getting hurt.  But, I am not going to do that either.  I truly still believe I will be fine if I am alone forever, or I will be fine if someone comes along to walk beside me.    So, hopefully, this crying stuff passes soon.  Anyway, I guess that is enough sharing for today.  :)